


No Girls

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Calvin & Hobbes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-25
Updated: 2006-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-25 05:54:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1635080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Susie and Calvin get into a discussion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Girls

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Elucreh

 

 

No Girls

"Out Out OUT!"

Calvin hit the ground with an `oof' and rubbed his shoulder as he stood up.   
The door slammed shut, the lock sliding into place with an audible click.   
"She always gets so tetchy about the noodles."

"You're an idiot, Calvin."

Rolling his eyes, Calvin dropped his hand from his shoulder and turned to   
confront Mortal Enemy #2. "Go away, Susie."

Susie sniffed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"What are you doing here this time? I haven't done anything to you all   
weekend."

"Exactly," Susie said, smoothing her pink and white blouse and denim skirt.   
"I thought I'd come and get it over with, though I had a faint hope you were   
finally starting to listen to me."

Calvin snorted and strode across the yard toward the forest. About a quarter   
mile in - he and Hobbes had measured it one day - was the Calvin ball field.   
Hobbes had been setting it up while he'd gone back inside to get the masks.   
Getting Rosalyn while she'd been chatting with her boyfriend again had   
distracted him.

He smirked at the memory of Rosalyn shrieking.

Of course, that had been followed by a toss out the kitchen door. Even now   
he could feel a bruise forming on his shoulder. He had to hand it to psycho   
babysitter - she could throw like Moe on a good day.

Speaking of enemies, why was Susie still following him?

It was a gorgeous day. Sunny, just enough bite that he could run like mad   
without sweating to death. It would be light for hours yet, and his folks   
wouldn't be home for two more days.

Perfect - except stupid Susie was still following him. Blast it. Girls were   
such a pain. "What do you want, Susie?"

"I want to know what you're planning to do to me this weekend," Susie   
replied calmly.

Nothing. Yet. Rosalyn was loads more amusing. Especially when he interrupted   
her chat sessions. Wait until she found out he knew all her passwords. The   
thought made him grin. He was saving that for a special occasion.

He finally turned around as he reached the Calvin ball field. "Go away,   
Susie."

Susie frowned "Why aren't you bothering me? If you're planning to do the egg   
thing again, I have to tell you that my mom has the cops on speed dial."

Calvin snorted. "So do my parents, the neighbors, and all my teachers. If   
you're going to threaten, Susie - come up with something better. Anyway,   
I've done the eggs. What about chickens?"

"Where would you get chickens?" Susie asked with a sniff. "You'd never get   
away with that. What about the goat? That didn't work, I don't see why you   
think chickens would."

Mentally storing that away as a challenge and making note to look up   
farmer's markets after dinner, Calvin picked up a croquet mallet and swung   
it experimentally. "Go away, Susie. I'm not bothering you. That means I   
don't have to put up with you."

"You're going to do something. You always do something."

Calvin rolled his eyes. "Maybe I found something better to do."

Susie frowned. "Better?"

"Yes, better. Such as the game you're interrupting." Calvin shifted his grip   
and started swinging the croquet mallet like a sledgehammer. Oh, to have one   
of these at school when Moe cornered him behind the gym. Unfortunately, the   
principal still had him on the hourly checks. He'd get by it, but so far it   
was still proving problematic. "Go away! I can't play Calvin ball with girls   
around. They ruin everything."

Susie gave another of those obnoxious sniffs. All the girls did when he said   
or did something. Like they smelled something weird but weren't smart enough   
to find it interesting - just annoying. Girls. "If you ask me--"

Calvin turned his back and rolled his eyes.

"I think you need to spend more time with girls. It's obvious you need a   
feminine touch."

"Please. The last `feminine touch' was ten minutes ago and I have a bruise.   
Wanna see?" Calvin dropped the mallet and pulled his t-shirt off, barely   
noting the pain as his shoulders moved. He touched fingers gently to the   
bruise already forming. "Isn't it cool? I should do that noodle thing more   
often."

Susie wrinkled her nose. "You're hopeless. It's so obvious you only spend   
time with that stuffed tiger."

"Oh, yes, and you don't still sneak tea parties with Mr. Bun," Calvin said,   
tugging on his shirt and rolling his eyes again. He didn't even have to look   
to know Susie's cheeks were red even as she glared.

"I was babysitting!"

Calvin bit back a reply, though only because he was hoping to get rid of   
her. "Is that like a big girl version of playing house? You've gotten a doll   
that really cries and pees?"

Susie rolled her eyes and shifted so she stood in that way that said she was   
about to Repeat Something Her Mother Had Said.

If he thought he could do it without another visit from the cops, he'd so   
tamper with the wiring again. That had been one of his better moments. The   
pictures from that...ah, he loved looking at them.

"Babysitting is good practice for the day I will someday be a mother, with a   
husband and children of my own." Susie glared - again, so much like her mom   
Calvin was always vaguely creeped out. "You should be thinking of your   
future too, Calvin."

Calvin sneered. "Spare me, mother."

"You'll never get a girlfriend or wife acting the way you do."

"Good!" Calvin snapped, stooping to retrieve the croquet mallet. "I don't   
want a girlfriend or wife anyway! Girls are stupid! I'd much rather have a   
boyfriend - at least they can play Calvin ball and not scream about touching   
toads and spiders!"

Susie blinked at him, then gave one of her Mother Glares. "You can't have a   
boyfriend, Calvin."

"Why not?" Calvin demanded. "Boys are way better than stupid girls." He   
wandered over to where a tennis ball waited to be abused and took aim.   
Aiming through the trees was always tricky, but he had nothing if not lots   
of practice. He still wasn't allowed to leave the yard - always a good   
demonstration of his progress. "All you do is yak yak yak like every other   
stupid girl."

"You can't have a boyfriend, Calvin. That's not how it works. You need a   
woman to be a stabilizing influence--"

Calvin rolled his eyes and swung the mallet, feeling the smooth glide of a   
perfect swing, loving the smack of it against the tennis ball - which flew   
beautifully, better than he'd even planned.

The only thing more beautiful than the launch was the landing - the tinkling   
of shattering glass and a shriek of surprise.

"What did you do?" Susie demanded.

Calvin smirked. "Your living room. Better go check on your mom, think I   
scared her."

"I'll get you, Calvin!"

He threw his head back and laughed. Two people infuriated and the day was   
still young.

She is cute. I'd marry her.

Calvin snorted softly and pulled the masks from his pocket, fitting one over   
his face before handing the other to Hobbes. "You can have her. I don't like   
girls and I never will."

 

 

 


End file.
